Guilt...

I have noticed I have an overwhelming saddle of guilt. I see it in moments when I am tired, 

or my ability to complete things falls short. It really follows me everywhere, and I am starting to see how absurdly contradictory it is. In spite of the knowledge that guilt will do me no good on a daily bases, I still feel it crawling its long clammy claws through the folds of each day and burdening my sheer existence with its weight. 

I feel guilty when I go grocery shopping and spend too much money on 

groceries—even if we need them. 

I feel guilty when I leave a grocery store, carrying out only one bag of 

ingredients that will last me but a single day.

I feel guilty when I make a luscious dinner with fabulous vegetables 

and expensive grass-fed meat. 

I feel guilty when I choose to make a cheap, simple dinner of pasta and 

cheese, knowing full well I am not feeding my family what it needs.

I feel guilt when I shop at Trader Joe's because it has so many irresistibly 

items that it always makes for a high total which I accept by scribbling my

 signature at the bottom of a very long receipt. 

I feel guilty when I am at a independently owned health-food-store and know 

I could get the same items at Trader Joe's for so much less money.

I feel guilty when I spend money to pay the bills.

I feel guilty when the bills don't get paid.

I feel guilty when I don't open the pie truck.

I feel guilty when I'm at the pie truck late, because I should 

be at home being a mother.

I feel guilty when I spend hours on this computer, carefully going 

over each line in one of my books.

I feel guilty when one of my books sit unfinished, and only I can finish it. 

I feel guilty spending time with just my husband—an evening off, out for a drink. 

I feel guilty when I don't make time to go out to eat, just the two of us, my husband and me.

I feel guilty when I make too many Christmas presents for the kids—I know 

they would prefer mostly bought ones.

I feel guilty if I don't make any Christmas presents, because what kind of follow 

through person can I be if I don't set aside time for that?

I feel guilty when I water my garden because why would I choose to grow plants that can't exist all on their own and need me to pump water out of this dear mother planet we live on, so I can see colors and greenery to calm my soul.

I feel guilty when I let plants die and shrivel up into composted soil.

I feel guilty when I mow my lawn, the gas emissions are unnecessary just 

like the wee patch of shorn blades that are supposed to be beautiful.

I feel guilt if my lawn grows too long, like I am a straggling, lazy being 

who can't keep up with my bidding. 

I feel guilty when I feel guilty because gosh darn it I am supposed to

 be enjoying life, not over analyzing my sorry feelings. 

Oh to be human. 

Anyone relate?

                                                                                        ~ Marica

And a million pies later...

This was a good week. A long week, but good in so many ways. Firstly, I felt in tune with the pie truck—and that is a must to feeling good. Sometimes the inside me doesn't align properly with the tasks the world is requiring which certainly causes a lousy battle.  I find that when I feel as if I am playing, I am most at ease. It is a constant wonder in my mind if I am completely loopy, partially loopy, or if most people "play" when they are doing their best work. I hope some of you understand what I mean, because alas, it would be unfortunate to find I am the only one...

Secondly, this week I completed a project so huge and satisfying that my soul doesn't know how to withstand the comfort in having it done. I keep wanting to go back, tweak this, adjust that, yet there is nothing necessary to tweak or adjust. The project is done, at least for this stretch of the road. I am not going to be so thoughtful as to include you all in what the project is, I am not being coy or sassy, it is just that it needs to be kept unrevealed at this time. (Is unrevealed a word? My computer doesn't seem to think so). I will however say it is a book project, so no one will start believing that I built a house from ice blocks or sculpted a goddess in a giant boulder. 

Lastly, I managed to have my children clean the house—just enough—that my "weekend" was not fiddling with dishes, washing floors and scrubbing toilets. I'll admit, I did do all of those things; wash dishes, clean floors and scrub toilets, but they were all minimal versions of what would usually be defined as major cleaning. I am so thankful.

Oh, and on a simple, minor note of satisfaction, I bought a small wood-desk at Goodwill. I thought it was for my daughter's room, but my husband reminded my what a stack of things would gather on it in oh so short a time—and he is right—it will be of so much more use downstairs as a wee work spot for me. Now here I sit, so professional, writing this and feeling quite complete with my forearms resting appropriately as I type. What a lucky trick for me, guiltlessly buying something for someone else, and then reaping the benefit of its luxury.

Well, that just about does it.

All my best to Everyone!

                                                           Cheers ~

                                                                 Marica

Late August, and a Roasted Tomato Recipe...

I'm a winter knitter or at least a wait-til-fall knitter. Somehow in the summertime I never have any urge whatsoever to push needles through yarn. Warning: this is a bloggy-post blog-post, so please excuse me... 

I am noticing something is changing in the air—an autumn presence— you can smell it and feel it. It's one of those sort of days with wind in the trees, leaves rustling, clouds collecting high in the still-blue sky. I'm so excited, summer’s been way too warm. Even in the northwest I feel like I'm continually fighting summers. Yesterday I took the kids to the park... These kind of outings remind me of when the kids were little, when we were always altogether, always at the parks, and I was always making something on a blanket on the grass... Over the years my projects have become so much bigger; house restoration, food-truck start up, books... I feel nostalgia for the simple hat, a little doll and the oh so many attempts to make socks; they never came out as I wanted them to. I guess I'm just not a sock maker. I always marvel at all the people who knit these beautiful socks in beautiful colors with beautiful stripes. For me, somehow, I just never got the knack. It's probably impatience on my part, I hate patterns! I can't pause my mind long enough to want to read the small print with such specific guidelines...
  But summer is not done. Proof is in the tomatoes and zucchini still so abundant...

Hope everyone is having a wonderful end to August!
    

                                                                                                          Cheers
                                                                                                                  ~ Marica

Roasted Tomato Recipe

In a glass baking dish pour a splash of olive oil and then fill with sliced tomatoes, garlic and zucchini. Splash with more olive oil and then sprinkle with salt, black pepper and smoked paprika.

Bake at 400 degrees for about 20-25 minutes.

 

Greenpeace at the St Johns Bridge…

Well I guess after my last couple of posts, and now adding this one, I will come across as feeling somewhat political lately. Maybe I am, or maybe it's just been a coincidental bunch of things happening one after another. Either way, yesterday morning at 3:00am thirteen Greenpeace activists suspended themselves from the St Johns bridge to block a ship heading out to the Arctic to drill for oil. Late in the afternoon the kids and I managed to walk down to check out the protest. Wow, I have to say it is an impressive feat. We went back again this evening and there were loads more people out watching the spectacle and supporting this dangling human barricade. 

I hope it works!

                                                                                                        ~ Marica

Pie and Capitalism

We finally got some rain… Whew…  And then I look at the weather and see Wednesday and Thursday are to hit the high nineties. What is going on? Come on dear planet, can we coax you just a bit into milder weather…?

Lately I have been struggling with the awkward chink of capitalism in a very visible, controlled environment. Having a food truck has been the most glorious ride. We coast through experiences and the sharp curves of learning at a very hippity-hop pace. Right now we are realizing the sour truth of how many landlords/owners truly count dollars before and above the flow of good camaraderie. It is disheartening. But, I don't think pie will ever be a sorry sight, so here is a picture of why we all bother to do what we do… Pie. 

                                                                                                       ~ Marica

Why nine-year-olds should be part of making the decisions on how to run a country…

I just had the most amazing conversation in the car with my nine-year-old son. He has talked a lot about homelessness lately, and fairness in general. So out of the blue, as we are speeding along to go pick up his friend, he says:

      "I think everybody should have the same amount of money. If there are rich people they should have to give the government some of their money and then it should go to poor people."

I responded something along the lines of:

 "That is a really good thought." Not wanting to crush the incredible ideal that is so alive in this idea. 

He then goes on to say:

      "If I was rich I would give my money away to poor people and then I wouldn't be rich anymore. Well I would give half of my money away."

A minute later he says:

         "There is probably someone sleeping on the sidewalk right now, right this minute. I feel really bad for homeless people." 

We drive on and he says:

"Look there are pillows and a blanket. Look out there. That's so funny I just said there is probably someone sleeping on the sidewalk right now!"

Pause and then:

        "But I feel good for homeless people who live in Alaska."

         

"Why?" I ask.

         "Because, they could build themselves igloos, and in the summer it is warm. I feel good for them."

We finally get to his friend's house and are parking. 

"The president should make it so there are no poor people."

"That would be wonderful." I say, "Unfortunately there isn't a simple solution." 

Come on folks in office, lets hear from our children, lets remember we are all living-beings on this massive, swirling orb. Time to stop thinking one person is more important than another.

                                                Hope everyone is enjoying their Tuesday!

                                                                        ~ Marica

Summer Days…

I have a feeling a big house organization might be needing to take place in the next few days. You know how sometimes you feel that feeling and it's just simmering in the background and then all of a sudden you know it's going to push its way forward all the way through to the most important thing right here, right now. Of course there are other things that need to be done too. I need to finish a painting to complete a book. I need to make fliers for my food truck, and spend some time just relaxing and catching up on good old-fashioned rest. Well cheers to all the plans we have in our heads before they actually get done. Cheers to getting things done. And cheers to not getting anything done at all except for lazing by the river and napping in the sand. Maybe a combo?

How are you spending your summer days?

                                                     Happy Summer ~

                                                                                     Marica