I have noticed I have an overwhelming saddle of guilt. I see it in moments when I am tired,
or my ability to complete things falls short. It really follows me everywhere, and I am starting to see how absurdly contradictory it is. In spite of the knowledge that guilt will do me no good on a daily bases, I still feel it crawling its long clammy claws through the folds of each day and burdening my sheer existence with its weight.
I feel guilty when I go grocery shopping and spend too much money on
groceries—even if we need them.
I feel guilty when I leave a grocery store, carrying out only one bag of
ingredients that will last me but a single day.
I feel guilty when I make a luscious dinner with fabulous vegetables
and expensive grass-fed meat.
I feel guilty when I choose to make a cheap, simple dinner of pasta and
cheese, knowing full well I am not feeding my family what it needs.
I feel guilt when I shop at Trader Joe's because it has so many irresistibly
items that it always makes for a high total which I accept by scribbling my
signature at the bottom of a very long receipt.
I feel guilty when I am at a independently owned health-food-store and know
I could get the same items at Trader Joe's for so much less money.
I feel guilty when I spend money to pay the bills.
I feel guilty when the bills don't get paid.
I feel guilty when I don't open the pie truck.
I feel guilty when I'm at the pie truck late, because I should
be at home being a mother.
I feel guilty when I spend hours on this computer, carefully going
over each line in one of my books.
I feel guilty when one of my books sit unfinished, and only I can finish it.
I feel guilty spending time with just my husband—an evening off, out for a drink.
I feel guilty when I don't make time to go out to eat, just the two of us, my husband and me.
I feel guilty when I make too many Christmas presents for the kids—I know
they would prefer mostly bought ones.
I feel guilty if I don't make any Christmas presents, because what kind of follow
through person can I be if I don't set aside time for that?
I feel guilty when I water my garden because why would I choose to grow plants that can't exist all on their own and need me to pump water out of this dear mother planet we live on, so I can see colors and greenery to calm my soul.
I feel guilty when I let plants die and shrivel up into composted soil.
I feel guilty when I mow my lawn, the gas emissions are unnecessary just
like the wee patch of shorn blades that are supposed to be beautiful.
I feel guilt if my lawn grows too long, like I am a straggling, lazy being
who can't keep up with my bidding.
I feel guilty when I feel guilty because gosh darn it I am supposed to
be enjoying life, not over analyzing my sorry feelings.
Oh to be human.