Thursday, September 24, 2015

Guilt...

I have noticed I have an overwhelming saddle of guilt. I see it in moments when I am tired, 
or my ability to complete things falls short. It really follows me everywhere, and I am starting to see how absurdly contradictory it is. In spite of the knowledge that guilt will do me no good on a daily bases, I still feel it crawling its long clammy claws through the folds of each day and burdening my sheer existence with its weight. 



I feel guilty when I go grocery shopping and spend too much money on 
grocerieseven if we need them. 

I feel guilty when I leave a grocery store, carrying out only one bag of 
ingredients that will last me but a single day.

I feel guilty when I make a luscious dinner with fabulous vegetables 
and expensive grass-fed meat. 

I feel guilty when I choose to make a cheap, simple dinner of pasta and 
cheese, knowing full well I am not feeding my family what it needs.

I feel guilt when I shop at Trader Joe's because it has so many irresistibly 
items that it always makes for a high total which I accept by scribbling my
 signature at the bottom of a very long receipt. 

I feel guilty when I am at a independently owned health-food-store and know 
I could get the same items at Trader Joe's for so much less money.

I feel guilty when I spend money to pay the bills.

I feel guilty when the bills don't get paid.

I feel guilty when I don't open the pie truck.

I feel guilty when I'm at the pie truck late, because I should 
be at home being a mother.

I feel guilty when I spend hours on this computer, carefully going 
over each line in one of my books.

I feel guilty when one of my books sit unfinished, and only I can finish it. 

I feel guilty spending time with just my husbandan evening off, out for a drink. 

I feel guilty when I don't make time to go out to eat, just the two of us, my husband and me.

I feel guilty when I make too many Christmas presents for the kidsI know 
they would prefer mostly bought ones.

I feel guilty if I don't make any Christmas presents, because what kind of follow 
through person can I be if I don't set aside time for that?

I feel guilty when I water my garden because why would I choose to grow plants that can't exist all on their own and need me to pump water out of this dear mother planet we live on, so I can see colors and greenery to calm my soul.

I feel guilty when I let plants die and shrivel up into composted soil.

I feel guilty when I mow my lawn, the gas emissions are unnecessary just 
like the wee patch of shorn blades that are supposed to be beautiful.

I feel guilt if my lawn grows too long, like I am a straggling, lazy being 
who can't keep up with my bidding. 

I feel guilty when I feel guilty because gosh darn it I am supposed to
 be enjoying life, not over analyzing my sorry feelings. 

Oh to be human. 

Anyone relate?


                                                                                        ~ Marica


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